I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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