Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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