I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
