There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
