He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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