I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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