just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
