why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
