Four minutes until I can fart!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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