I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
