don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There's always time for handjobs
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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