Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
