First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
