I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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