I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
