1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
