I heard we made out
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
