I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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