I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
