my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
zippers are such a cool invention
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
