Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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