dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
