I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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