Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
