Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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