I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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