Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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