My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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