my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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