So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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