M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
