I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
