Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
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