So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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