I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
