Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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