Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
