Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
