i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
