I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
