It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We need to rekindle our bromance
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
