i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
