I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
PANTIES FOUND
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
