Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
