Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
