Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
