i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
