I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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