I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
