she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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