Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You should frame my arrest warrant.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
