idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
