what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
