so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
