He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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