I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
