My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
